Thursday Thirteen #23

Thursday Thirteen #23

Thirteen Things I Wish I Had In My Office

  1. A Cadbury™ Caramel Egg factory — I don’t think this requires explanation.
  2. A Bill Gates voodoo doll — I doubt this one does, either.
  3. A pencil — Where the heck do they all go?
  4. Joseph Campbell — A girl can dream.
  5. One of these — Sorry. Guy moment.
  6. The Library of Congress — You can never have enough reference material. Or books.
  7. Staff — At the very least, I need a nanny, housekeeper, masseuse, valet, secretary, cat whisperer, child psychologist, husband translator, chef, personal trainer, Geek Squad™ dude, and sycophant. Preferably in one package that looks like Oded Fehr and has a mute button.
  8. An electrified door knob — Remote controlled, of course.
  9. An vending machine — Movies and books for free. No one should be without one’a these babies.
  10. A people conjurer — Imagine being able to summon someone from every profession so you can find out what it’s really like. Or maybe you’d like to have a word or two with Cleopatra. Or Taye Diggs.
  11. A time machine — Goes without saying, I’m sure. But I said it anyway.
  12. A magic cattle prod — must work on fictional characters. Also anyone on tv. Especially political candidates (from a safe distance).
  13. Replacement braincells — If only.

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Thursday Thirteen #22

Thursday Thirteen #22, American Idol Edition

Thirteen Reasons You Ain’t Goin’ To LA

  1. If your costume makes the baby Jesus cry, you ain’t goin’ to LA.

  2. If the short-bus driver still has a restraining order against you, you ain’t goin’ to LA.

  3. If only prostitutes “love your voice long time”, you ain’t goin’ to LA.

  4. If we have a hard time determining your gender, you ain’t goin’ to LA.

  5. If there’s a sack of body parts in your pocket, you ain’t goin’ to… Well, wait. I guess you’re goin’ to LA.

  6. If your father forces you to keep your penis on a chain around your neck, you ain’t goin’ to LA.

  7. If your singing voice improves by the insertion of straws into your nostrils, you ain’t goin’ to LA.

  8. If you’re not this guy, you ain’t goin to LA:

    Chris Watson, courtesy of

  9. If I would rather have an Oldsmobile driven through my spleen — or, alternately, floss my teeth with Simon’s chest hair — than listen to you sing, you ain’t goin’ to LA.

  10. If William Hung sees more action than your front temporal lobe, you ain’t goin’ to LA.

  11. If Middle America learns the meaning of “tranny mess” during your audition, you ain’t goin’ to LA.

  12. If any part of your anatomy has been dyed a primary color and you feel a compelling urge to show it to us, you ain’t goin’ to LA.

  13. If your breasts are bigger than your head — and this is especially true for men — you ain’t goin’ to LA.

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Thursday 13 #21

Thirteen Reasons You Can’t Put Real™©® Kids
Into A Romantic Novel

Okay, now I know this will probably get me in trouble with some people. Before you start, I agree — there have been many compelling and touching romances that include children.

However… nine times out of ten, children, as portrayed in romance, are whack. Churched up, prig-ified, and censored so as not to jar our dear readers with too much reality.

I myself would never do something so unkind, and here’s an example to illustrate why, using the chapter openings of a romance involving a Real®© kid:

Continue reading

Thursday Thirteen #20

Thirteen Rejected Marketing Ideas

Listed below are thirteen unfortunate results of daydreaming whilst pondering the marketing plan.

  1. Mischief Management: Change pen name to “Emma Harry Potter”.
  2. The Hiltonaught: Get overexposed celebutantes drunk and have my site’s URL tattooed on their…forehead. Should they suspect anything, convince them it’s magic fat-dissolving ink.
  3. Be Well Hung: Er, I mean Will Hung. Try out for American Idol. Wear duck hat prominently displaying URL. Sing. Suck attrociously, but project such extreme overconfidence that I make the audition episode.
  4. Whole Lotta Rosie Sound Bites: Piss Rosie O’Donnell off. Both the AP and Reuters will have my URL and titles on the wire before I’ve even finished saying “looking to be offended.”
  5. The SuperBoulder Dash: Wait for the Vikings to make the bowl. Race through parking lot keying URL into cars. Great idea, but you and I both know the only bowl the Vikings are ever likely to see is the metal toilet version in their jail cell.
  6. The Oded Fehr Apparent: Oops. Wrong daydream.
  7. Proceed Directly to the Gates of Hell: Charm Bill Gates into naming Vista’s successor EMMAWAYNEPORTER. Infamy is cool.
  8. The Proctor Gamble: Hijack toilet paper production plants to print URL and excerpts on product.
  9. Truth or Dare In Advertising: Get adopted by Madonna. Everyone else is doing it. Besides. I hear Guy knows Jason Statham (which, again, is another daydream entirely).
  10. The Idiot’s Guide to Free Publicity and Getting Away With Murder: Ghost-write for OJ Simpson. During the 24/7 claims court trial coverage, I’ll set legal precedent by playing the romance card. “But Your Honor, all the investigators were literary critics. They planted the lace gloves! No one can prove the matching feather plume and boa set were mine. And look! This ripped bodice doesn’t even fit me! My boobs are too big. See?”
  11. The “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter” Campaign: A rose by any… Forget it. I’m laughing too hard to even finish typing this one. Shame on my jealous ass. Honestly.
  12. Fear And Shamelessness in Las Vegas: Screw all this writing stuff. Start small POD press that produces partial books [first three chapters, bound with full cover art and author info]. Charge authors exhorbitant fees to distribute their partials to doctor/dentist offices and the DMV. Capture an already captive audience and…

    Hey! Wait a second! *hunches over and curves arm around test paper. Glances around suspiciously, hoping no one saw that*

  13. Literal Branding: Have metal brand made of my site’s URL. Attend crowded events, ie. Indy 500, state fairs, JK Rowling book signings, etc, and stick anything that moves. Sure, I’d go to jail, but I’d get more writing done there (plus meet celebutantes), and you can bet there’d be any number of people who would never forget my name.

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Thursday Thirteen #19

Thursday 13
Yes, sir! Right away, sir!

DISCLAIMER: The following is in no way meant to disrespect the Seventy Days of Sweat Challenge. I dig me some Sven. I’m flying through word count.

But… you know I can’t be serious for five minutes in a row, let alone seventy whole days. So this is just a little sventertainment. Had to be done.

Tales from the Sweat Shop

*cue the Rocky Theme*

We are the proud. The bold. The many authors who signed on for Seventy Days of Sweat.

Our goal? To finish the damn book, already.

How will we finish the damn book?

By following:

  1. Sweatiquette, aka the:
  2. Rules of Svengagement.

    At first, we’re all filled with

  3. sventhusiasm, and
  4. assume the exposition.
  5. But we know there will be hardships along the way. One author has already been stricken with

  6. consvenctivitis, a malady of the eye caused by airborne
  7. sventrails, those scary dangly bits rolling off Sven’s chin as seen below:
  8. sventrails

    Yet help is always close at hand. When the going gets tough, the tough get

  9. the magic svenzyme, sold on the civilian market as “caffeine”. But when the going gets
  10. unsvendurable, there’s just no substitute for
  11. authorazine.

    We must never forget we are intrepid. Word by word, Sven will be appeased if only you never give up, never surrender, and never say die unless the story calls for it.

    Yes, we know there will be much

  12. sweatitting in the aftermath because writing at this pace can cause
  13. sventally retarded prose, as evidenced by paranormalgraphs and a lesser known syndrome with the opposite effect, called
  14. sweat cetera. [abbr: “swetc.“] Swetc. syndrome leads to substitution of symbols like [x] [yada yada yada] or in the most severe cases, [wtf?] in place of rich detail and characterization.
  15. All this we must endure throughout the entire month of

  16. Sventember. Seventy days is a month in Sven years, you know.
  17. God help all editors come the svernal equinox.

    And with that, fight on, svengalibabba, Bob’s your uncle.

    That’s all for this week’s installment of
    Tales from the Sweat Shop.

    Now… :gowrite:

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Thursday 13 #18

ThirteenFourteen Fantasies

Oh, the interesting things found in the depths of old document files…

I have tiers of folders in Word, some of them older than dirt, transferred from ‘puter to ‘puter over the years. While digging around looking for an old WIP.doc, I ran across this list I’m about to share.

I’ve no idea where it came from. All the document says across the top is “Basic Female Romantic Fantasies”. The mystery of its origin bugs me still, and some of the descriptions are a bit cryptic. But I thought the list itself was kinda interesting, and with all the writing workshops going on, I figured why not.

So here’s this list of Fourteen Basic Female Romantic Fantasies:

  1. The Cowboy Hero is strong, independent, follows a code of honor. His appeal is security and protection.
  2. The Vampire Mystical, timeless draw between the Hero and Heroine. Mostly reserved
    for paranormal.
  3. Kidnapping The kidnapped and the captor. Even better if he’s foreign.
  4. Gamble With Fate Heroine must put fate in hands of a dangerous male. They go on a journey, not sure if she can trust him. ie. Romancing the Stone.
  5. The Outlaw/Rebel Hero lives by his own rules. Hero and Heroine against the world.
  6. Marriage of Convenience Married to stranger, arranged marriage.
  7. The Guardian The Guardian tasting the Forbidden Fruit (heroine).
  8. The Princess and the Barbarian Opposite side of the tracks. Two people who’d never choose to be together.
  9. The Governess Hero and Heroine professionally related. Relationship must be strictly business.
  10. The Secret Baby Bond as family to protect new life.
  11. Cinderella Love in disguise, heroine pretending to be someone else. Ugly duckling.
  12. Beauty and the Beast Heroine must face and tame the Hero.
  13. Taming of the Shrew Hero has the responsibility of making it work.
  14. Man From The Past Secret past between Heroine and Hero.

Seems a pretty comprehensive list. Can anyone offer up any others?

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Thursday Thirteen #17

Thirteen Movies I’ve Been Watching Lately

I’m horrible for watching the same movies over and over again. I’m not sure why. But here’s a list of 13 current repeats.

  1. Sense and Sensibility What’s not to love about this one?
  2. Dead Again I’m watching this right now, a second Emma Thompson film. I had an honest-to-God squeally fit in the store when I found it in a bargain rack. Totally over the top and still love this film about a million years after the fact.
  3. Spiderman Just… can’t… stop… watching.
  4. Spiderman II They’ll have to pry this disc outta’ my cold, dead hands, I swear. And to date, I believe I’m still the only living person who “got” every second of Spidey III. Well, except for the dance number. Why the he…ck is Hollywood so in love with those?
  5. Holes I bought it for my kids. Really, I did.:angel:
  6. Music and Lyrics While I can’t say this is a particular favorite, I have hysterics over several parts of this film. “There’ll be no more rhymes until I’m fed.” is one of them.
  7. America’s Sweethearts This is my go-to movie whenever I can’t decide what to watch. Hank Azaria and Christopher Walken make me howl.
  8. Pride and Prejudice The all-time best for those times when I know I’m gonna be writing a while. I don’t even pay attention to it. It’s just on to keep me company.
  9. Miracle I’ve seen this a billion times. And yet… I still bawl every time.
  10. American Dreamer I think they take your romance writing privileges away if you haven’t seen this one.
  11. Clueless Amy Heckerling. Enough said.
  12. Mean Girls Tina Fey, in case no one’s ever said it, you’re brilliant.
  13. Elizabethtown God love ya’, Cameron.

So there’s my list. What are you watching?

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