Thursday Thirteen #20

Thirteen Rejected Marketing Ideas

Listed below are thirteen unfortunate results of daydreaming whilst pondering the marketing plan.

  1. Mischief Management: Change pen name to “Emma Harry Potter”.
  2. The Hiltonaught: Get overexposed celebutantes drunk and have my site’s URL tattooed on their…forehead. Should they suspect anything, convince them it’s magic fat-dissolving ink.
  3. Be Well Hung: Er, I mean Will Hung. Try out for American Idol. Wear duck hat prominently displaying URL. Sing. Suck attrociously, but project such extreme overconfidence that I make the audition episode.
  4. Whole Lotta Rosie Sound Bites: Piss Rosie O’Donnell off. Both the AP and Reuters will have my URL and titles on the wire before I’ve even finished saying “looking to be offended.”
  5. The SuperBoulder Dash: Wait for the Vikings to make the bowl. Race through parking lot keying URL into cars. Great idea, but you and I both know the only bowl the Vikings are ever likely to see is the metal toilet version in their jail cell.
  6. The Oded Fehr Apparent: Oops. Wrong daydream.
  7. Proceed Directly to the Gates of Hell: Charm Bill Gates into naming Vista’s successor EMMAWAYNEPORTER. Infamy is cool.
  8. The Proctor Gamble: Hijack toilet paper production plants to print URL and excerpts on product.
  9. Truth or Dare In Advertising: Get adopted by Madonna. Everyone else is doing it. Besides. I hear Guy knows Jason Statham (which, again, is another daydream entirely).
  10. The Idiot’s Guide to Free Publicity and Getting Away With Murder: Ghost-write for OJ Simpson. During the 24/7 claims court trial coverage, I’ll set legal precedent by playing the romance card. “But Your Honor, all the investigators were literary critics. They planted the lace gloves! No one can prove the matching feather plume and boa set were mine. And look! This ripped bodice doesn’t even fit me! My boobs are too big. See?”
  11. The “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter” Campaign: A rose by any… Forget it. I’m laughing too hard to even finish typing this one. Shame on my jealous ass. Honestly.
  12. Fear And Shamelessness in Las Vegas: Screw all this writing stuff. Start small POD press that produces partial books [first three chapters, bound with full cover art and author info]. Charge authors exhorbitant fees to distribute their partials to doctor/dentist offices and the DMV. Capture an already captive audience and…

    Hey! Wait a second! *hunches over and curves arm around test paper. Glances around suspiciously, hoping no one saw that*

  13. Literal Branding: Have metal brand made of my site’s URL. Attend crowded events, ie. Indy 500, state fairs, JK Rowling book signings, etc, and stick anything that moves. Sure, I’d go to jail, but I’d get more writing done there (plus meet celebutantes), and you can bet there’d be any number of people who would never forget my name.

[blenza_autolink: tt]


20 Responses

  1. your brilliant devious mind scares me


  2. Jaci,
    I couldn’t have said it better. But, be warned there are three offspring just waiting in the wings. NOW that is a scary thought.

  3. I am SO there with you, girlfriend, that I’ll even spring for the bucks to slip to the Smoking Gun so they print your mug shot — your face cleverly concealed by our urls…

  4. Woot. Now we’re talkin :madcow:

  5. :popcorn: I have the popcorn to watch you both. Can I get in? Or maybe I should write the Emma/Susan Memoirs. We’ll call it Thelma and Louise…er that’s been taken…. :dunno:

  6. PS I’m still laughing at OJ. He made my blog as well. Must be an OJ day…

  7. Great list and very true:) Happy TT.

  8. Your brilliance gives me goosebumps.
    How ’bout getting your car wrapped with your book cover and leaving it parked outside Borders/Chapters/Barnes&Noble…

  9. ACK! I can’t stop laughing. This is one of the best TTs I have read!

    Bwahahahahahahaha… if I were a cat I’d be rolling on the floor, waving all four of my paws in the air. :tease:

    Happy TT, and thanks for visiting mine!

  10. Fear And Shamelessness in Las Vegas is brilliant!! Let’s do it baby. :cheer:

  11. Oh, these are great! Happy TT!

  12. Muhawhawhawhawhaw!!!!!! This KILLED me! Damn I wish I’d thought of these!!!!
    Um, by the way, would you print my first three chapters in RED leather?

  13. You are, without a doubt, the funniest and most creative person I’ve ever stumbled across.

  14. Toooo damn funny.

    And you know, if I had a title like “Lord of Sin”…Think of that branded on some prime beefcake.

  15. This TT is just fabulous, Emma. So funny! I’m all for #6! 🙂

  16. Coming right up, Jenn. Soon as a I find a red :moo:

    Thanks for stopping by, everybody.

  17. Ha. Literal branding. 🙂
    Twisted genius.

  18. What was your name again? HEHEHE Loved your TT!!!

    Donica Covey

  19. I’m still waiting to hear more about #6. Anything with Oded Fehr in it seems like smart marketing strategy to me. 🙂

  20. rolling on the floor laughing my ass off – with you baby, not at you!!!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: