Wordful Wednesday

An excerpt from my morning, while I’m trying to work:

Act II
Scene I

[Emma sits quietly in her office, thumbing dictionary, still in search of the perfect name for something very important. The door opens. Husband and one cat enter.]

HUSBAND: [Sounding vague] Honey, where did I leave my laptop?
EMMA: Sit down, and I’m sure you’ll find it.
HUSBAND: Do you have to be sarcastic?
EMMA: Yes. And your laptop is in the foyer, right where you left it.

[Husband walks out. Booger (cat) sharpens his claws on back of office chair hard enough to make Emma dribble diet dew down front. Emma, annoyed to have ice-cold soda running between her boobs, mutters. Moments later, 7 yr-old son enters. Cat dives under end table.]

7 YR-OLD: [Precociously, because precociousness is his milieu] Mom! Mom! I got a joke.
EMMA: Again?
7 YR-OLD: Yeah. So, knock knock.
EMMA: Who’s there?
7 YR-OLD: Why’s a saber-tooth tiger need tooth floss?
EMMA: [Mildly befuddled at deviation from knock knock protocol] No idea.
7 YR-OLD: To get the jedi out from between his teeth.
EMMA: [Brows raised, impressed. Before she can comment, child interrupts.]
7 YR-OLD: When can we go swimming?
EMMA: We’ll see. It’s supposed to storm today.
7 YR-OLD: I’m hungry.
EMMA: I just made you pancakes half an hour ago. Didn’t you eat them?
7 YR-OLD: Did you know scorpions have bristles on their claws? You know, like cats have bristles on their tongues. That’s why they feel like sandpaper.
EMMA: Really. Why do scorpions have bristles?
7 YR-OLD: Probably because of the venom. Can we go swimming now?
EMMA: I said we’ll see.
7 YR-OLD: Did you know ice scorpions can jump ten feet? I wanna go swimming. And Booger’s making funny noises under there.
EMMA: [Glances at end table, hears ominous sound.] Will you go grab some paper towels?
7 YR-OLD: Why’s he making that noise?
EMMA: He’s throwing up.
7 YR-OLD: Eww. That’s nasty. Remember that one night I threw up and you said I got points for getting it on everything in the bathroom?
EMMA: Not something I’m likely to forget, no. Paper towels, please?
7 YR-OLD: Are cats supposed to eat pancakes?
EMMA: You let him eat your pancakes?

[Scenes fades out to the sounds of a cat vomiting and an author beating her head on her keyboard.]


3 Responses

  1. Ooh, poor kitty. The LAW around here is no people food ’cause one cat has IBD (yes, I kid you not!).

    Your son sounds a lot like my #2. #1’s a bit younger than yours, but is a bit more focused. Sometimes.

    Hang in there, girlfriend. You’re not alone with all these hassles!

  2. I loved that–specially your precocious 7 year old!
    And our cat threw up yesterday too. But not because of pancakes; because catfood and stalks of corn from the garden don’t mix well. They go out to eat the stalks of corn, but do they go out to be sick? No.

  3. Nothing says ROMANCE quite like cat vomit, right?

    /shaking my head

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